i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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