just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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