i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
