just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
