Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
