If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize