i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Why is your signature on my underwear?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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