The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
