I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
