my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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