I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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