he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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