all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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