Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Come share oat with me in your robe
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
