just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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