The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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