I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize