Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
