you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
this will be a night to untag.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
