my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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