for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
