Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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