Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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