We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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