he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
