these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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