I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
