i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
