As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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