He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
