Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
