dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
This house was built for laser tag.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
