he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
