after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize