I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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