dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
