probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
