I must be too annoying 4 u.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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