so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
