Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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