theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
