Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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