I hope mine doesn't look like that
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize