A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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