Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I just googled if crying burns calories
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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