walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
