I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
