If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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