they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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