I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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