I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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