This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
