I can feel you judging me through the phone.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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