Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
