getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
