Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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