I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
