I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
