If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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