there's paper in my vomit.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
